Anthony Andrews, a 34-year-old tirocinio at a bank quanto a London, had been candid from the very beginning, when he directed Jessica Lockett, an art director, to his Instagram profile, @ibdlife. They had matched acceso Hinge quanto a January 2020, and he wanted to ensure that she understood what life with inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and an ostomy bag meant before they got too involved. “Do you still like what you see?” he messaged. Back then, Andrews had been suffering with ulcerative colitis (UC) for 11 years and was days away from a surgery that would require him to wear a bag for the rest of his life. Lockett, intrigued and compassionate, scrolled through his posts, learning quickly exactly what that meant.
“A lot of us [IBD patients] will probably feel like they can’t necessarily up, but I would openly tell people,” says Andrews, joking that it was his “unique sales pitch” acceso dating apps. Most women were supportive, he says, but “there were a number of times when people were just like, ‘What’s that? That sounds disgusting. I don’t really want to deal with that.’”
Lockett was different. She messaged back, “Of course I’m still interested.” That put him at ease before they even went acceso their first date.
IBD, which includes UC and Crohn’s disease, is an incurable autoimmune disease that affects the digestive system. It brings unpredictable symptoms like diarrhea (sometimes with blood), abdominal pain, fatigue, and weight loss—and often first shows up just as young adults are hitting the dating scene, which can make it even more daunting.
Treatments range from nutrition support and medications to more extreme procedures such as ostomy surgery, which typically involves creating an opening quanto a the abdomen, known as a stoma, to allow waste to exit directly from the intestines into a bag outside the pagliaccetto. Surgeries are typically necessary when parts of the digestive system are diseased ora damaged and need to be bypassed ora removed. With ora without surgery, IBD can alter pagliaccetto image and self-esteem, adding a layer of complexity to personal relationships, which can be duro enough without the added pressure of managing a stigmatized disease.
“Everybody’s got challenges, but it feels that IBD can be more challenging acceso sexuality and intimacy because bloody diarrhea is typically not provocante,” says Marci Reiss, a licensed clinical social worker and the founder and president of the IBD Support Foundation, based quanto a Los Angeles.
But there are many patients, advocates, and medical experts who say the disease can also just be part of your regular life, dating included. From figuring out the right time and way to share your IBD status, to smart planning for outings and sex, here are some tips to help make dating more comfortable for everyone involved.
Read More: How to Maintain Your Social Life When You Have IBD
Reveal your IBD when the time feels right
Everyone with IBD feels differently about opening up about their condition. Some people, like Andrews, may want to get it out of the way before even simposio someone face-to-face. Others may take months to broach the topic.
“It becomes so difficult for people to share, because it’s their deepest pain,” says Reiss. “People think to themselves, ‘Am I lovable with this?’”
Montreal-based content creator and model Sara Levitt, 29, would sometimes wait three ora four months before sharing her medical condition with guys she dated, requiring stealthy ways to conceal her ostomy bag quanto a the bedroom. To divert their attention, “I would just tell them, ‘I have Crohn’s disease, I have scars…I’m self conscious,’” says Levitt. This allowed her to tuck the bag under a sweater ora tank sommità and keep her arm strategically wrapped around her waist. However, covering it up came with a price. “I would feel constricted and stressed out…and it held me back from developing emotional connections.”
Last year, however, she went public about her IBD, ostomy, and proctectomy (quanto a which the diseased rectum and anus are removed and sewn closed permanently), a.k.a. “Barbie Butt” surgery—so-called by patients themselves because it reminds them of a doll’s bottom. Levitt, who had her first surgery at 13 and is known as “The Bag Bish” acceso Instagram, spent years learning how to accept her condition and turning it into a blessing. Per mezzo di January, she became the first “ostomate” featured quanto a the monthly men’s magazine MAXIM Australia. “I just reached a point where I was mentally and physically exhausted from hiding the bag, and I realized that I’m living the life I’m living because of it.”
Prepare your elevator pitch
Even before you decide to share, it’s helpful to have a short “elevator pitch” ready, says Laurie Keefer, a gastropsychologist and professor of medicine at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Health System quanto a New York City. One of her biggest pieces of advice: “Don’t make it a bigger deal than it has to be.” Her script goes something like this: “I have X condition; I was diagnosed X years punzone; this is how it’s treated (medication and/ora surgery), and this is how it affects me.” The last point, for example, may be a simple statement about needing to avoid certain foods ora alcohol, ora the possibility that you might need to get up suddenly to use the bathroom.
Keefer wants her patients to be able to deliver this pitch quanto a their sleep, so they can stop being anxious about it. “Most people, if they don’t have a chronic GI disease, are pretty clueless about what the digestive tract does ora is. So for better ora for worse, you can use that to your advantage,” says Keefer. Don’t catastrophize every reveal. “Even when you tell people you have an ostomy, they’magnate like ‘Oh, OK, my grandma had one of those.’ It doesn’t occur to them that that means you’magnate going to the bathroom outside of your pagliaccetto…most people don’t have an appreciation enough of anatomy and physiology that they even really fully understand what you’magnate saying.”
Read More: Why Bathroom Access Is a Public Health Issue
Scout the lista and restroom facilities before a date
Before heading out acceso a date, do a little recon acceso the venue. Check out the lista online to make sure there are options that work for you. Investigate the restroom situation. Patients and experts agree that having a plan can ease any nerves and let you centro acceso enjoying the date.
With an invisible disability like IBD, it also helps to know your rights quanto a public and private places. The Restroom Access Act, ora “Ally’s Law,” (named after Allyson Bain, a Crohn’s patient from Illinois, who was 14 when she was denied access to a restroom quanto a a department store, leading to a humiliating accident) has been passed quanto a 17 states quanto a the U.S., giving you the right to access a business’s private restroom if you ask. The non-profit organization Girls With Guts has made exercising this right even easier, with its “I Artrite Go” cards. You can easily replicate these at home; they’magnate super handy to discreetly communicate your urgency to skip the line ora ask for restroom access where it’s usually off-limits.
Talk to your GI doctor and other sexual health specialists
Certain IBD symptoms, including pain during sex, leakage, and fistulas (an unusual between organs, which can get infected) may significantly affect your love life. Regardless of gender ora sexuality, surgeries can disrupt ora halt certain sexual activities, such as making anal penetration impossible, which can be frustrating to some people.
Your IBD team can point you to specialists like OB-GYNs, urologists, pelvic floor therapists, and even sexual therapists such as psychologists and psychotherapists who understand and can support you. Plenty of people with IBD have vibrant, loving, and intimate relationships.
“There is a connection between the physical and the psychological and vice versa. But sometimes it’s just physical because of all the damage that has been done to the nerves quanto a that ambiente,” says Dr. Aline Charabaty, director of the Inflammatory Bowel Disease Center at Sibley Memorial Hospital quanto a Washington, D.C. Even your GI doctor may hesitate to discuss sensitive topics like emotional and sexual health, says Charabaty, but there should be questions like: How is this disease affecting your emotional health? How is it affecting your sexual health? Are you dating ora quanto a a relationship? If that’s not , bring it up yourself and ask for referrals.
A heads-up acceso contraception: If you’magnate using pills and your IBD causes you to vomit ora have severe diarrhea, they might not work as well. Also, some symptoms of STIs can aspetto a lot like IBD flare-ups, so if something feels , it’s smart to check quanto a at a sexual health clinic. And remember, condoms are your go-to for protecting against STIs while you navigate everything else.
Anticipate the unexpected during intimacy
Navigating intimacy with IBD can be daunting, but there are effective ways to manage leakage and incontinence without ruining a romantic mood. Cherabaty says medications such as Imodium can help patients gain better control over bowel movements, particularly before engaging quanto a sexual activities. Those experiencing ongoing symptoms of diarrhea ora incontinence despite managing their disease may need additional strategies: pelvic physical therapy for strength, fiber supplements to firm up stools, ora livore acid sequestrants like cholestyramine for the livore acid diarrhea often seen quanto a Crohn’s patients. Some of Cherabaty’s patients who engage quanto a anal sex have reported success using enemas beforehand to ensure cleanliness and comodità. Integrating the job of changing an ostomy bag into your “freshening up” routine can also help manage concerns, allowing you to feel more secure and relaxed.
Also remember that sometimes accidents happen. How you and your date ora socio respond to them could say a lot about the strength and understanding quanto a your relationship. Alicia Aiello, 34, the president of Philadelphia-based Girls With Guts, recalls an embarrassing incident with her first serious girlfriend. “She kicked the ostomy bag by accident quanto a a albergo room with white sheets. And [the waste] went everywhere. It was all over her. It was all over me. It was one of the most mortifying experiences of my life, and I was only 20 then,” she recalls. Thankfully, Aiello and her girlfriend at the time had been dating long enough that they were able to take a pause and a deep breath before assessing the situation and cleaning up as best they could. (And avoid paying a $400 cleaning fee from the albergo.) “That was a positive moment where that was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me while dating someone. And while it was momentarily mortifying, looking back now, I can laugh about it.”
Read More: Should You Tell Your Direttore You Have IBD? Plus More Tips for Coping at the Office
Explore ways you can make yourself feel provocante
Dr. Neilanjan Nandi, a gastroenterologist and associate professor of clinical medicine at the University of Pennsylvania’s Penn Presbyterian Medical Center, actively supports his IBD patients quanto a gaining sexual confidence. “Feeling provocante is a mind ,” he explains, emphasizing the importance of communication and helpful products. For those with an ostomy, for example, stylish stoma pouch covers and support belts, ora specialized lingerie, such as high-waisted crotchless panties, can make intimacy more comfortable. If odor is a concern, oral ostomy deodorizer pills can be helpful, too.
Nandi also recommends letting your socio get up close and personal with your stoma, perhaps involving them quanto a changing the ostomy bag, ora making it part of a shared shower, a tip he got from one of his patients. “You have the vater, you can get hot and steamy. You can play with the stoma; you can explore it together,” he says. “If there’s an accident, it’s a comfortable place to wash it . I know that sounds crazy if you’magnate new to this, ora even if you’magnate not, but it can make it a difference.” This openness can not only boost your confidence, but deepens your connection, making intimate moments feel more natural and spontaneous.
Four years have now elapsed since Andrews met Lockett acceso Hinge—four years that included an amazing first date at a wine quanto a London’s Borough Market, his ostomy surgery, and moving quanto a together during the pandemic. Now, the two are planning to wed acceso the fifth anniversary of the day they met. Lockett has held his hand and cried with him quanto a the hospital, cleaned up a messy stoma mishap, and walked around with an ostomy bag herself to understand what it’s like. Andrews admits that what started as casually scrolling the apps to distract himself from his surgery has blossomed into a love more real than he could have ever imagined. “She has been so unbelievably supportive…she’s my best friend,” says Andrews. To others still looking, he says, “Don’t lose hope.”
