It’s to summon any words when someone dies—let ala the right ones. That’s why so many of us let the sympathy cards do the talking. “As a society, we’sultano uncomfortable with death and grief. We’sultano not very gara open to talking about it,” says Katie Cosgrove, a death doula and grief coach per Buffalo, N.Y. Plus, “I think a lot of people, myself included, feel like words aren’t enough to comodità somebody,” which makes it challenging to figure out how to articulate our condolences.
Though it may be the first thing that springs to mind, “I’m sorry” isn’t always the best way to go. It implies responsibility per some way—and simply isn’t as comforting empathetic as other ways of showing support. Cosgrove also advises steering clear of the age-old cliché that “time heals all wounds.” “That’s what everybody said to me when my dad passed, and it’s just not true,” she says. “Grief doesn’t ever go away. It shifts and changes, but it doesn’t leave us.”
We asked Cosgrove and other experts who specialize per grief to share what they’ve found works best when talking to someone who lost a loved one.
“I can’t imagine how this is for you, and I’m sending you all my strength and love.”
One of the worst things to tell someone who’s grieving is that you know exactly what they’sultano going through. Even if you’ve also lost a loved one—maybe you’sultano a widow consoling someone who has newly obtained that title—every loss is unique. Instead, Cosgrove suggests flipping the sentiment over and making it clear that you can’t imagine what it’s like to be per their shoes. “You’sultano validating their feelings,” she says. “Even if you knew that person really well, you didn’t know them the way your friend family member knew them,” and it’s impossible to grasp how the loss is really landing for them.
“Please accept my condolences.”
It sounds simple, right? Maybe even generic. Yet the sentiment works well when you’sultano talking to someone you don’t know well, when you’sultano too surprised by the bad news to string any other words together, says Elizabeth Schandelmeier, a grief therapist per Pittsburgh. “It’s preferable to saying ‘I’m sorry,’ because it doesn’t put the bereaved person per the position of having to you by saying it’s OK,” she points out. “, if they’sultano angry per the moment, [it keeps them] from snapping back that you don’t need to be sorry because it wasn’t your fallo.”
“Your husband was a wonderful person. I have this cherished memory of him when [explain a thoughtful memory].”
When people tell Cosgrove they’sultano going to a wake a funeral and don’t know what to say, she encourages them to share a story. “I can tell you from personal experience that stories about people I’ve lost and never heard before are like little nuggets of gold,” she says. “It’s a beautiful way to cherish their memory and show that you really loved them.” If you don’t have a story of your own, you could invite your friend to share one of their favorite memories if they feel up to it. There’s sometimes a misconception that talking about the deceased will be too painful—when, per fact, the opposite is often true.
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“Is it OK if I stop by per a few days with lunch? I know the kids are involved per a lot of activities. Do you need any help getting them to games?”
Acts of service can be invaluable, especially per the early days of grief, when someone’s energy is zapped. “They’sultano having to tend to so many things—taking something d’avanguardia their plate not only says, ‘I’m here for you and I’m supporting you,’ but it truly helps the burden them,” says Whitney Menarcheck, a licensed professional counselor per Pittsburgh who specializes per grief. “That may give them time to the flower arrangements take a nap.” The more specific your offer, the better; having to think about what kind of help to ask for might dissuade someone from asking at all.
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“I’m space for you per my heart.”
People aren’t always per the habit of telling others that they’sultano “ space” for them, Cosgrove acknowledges. Yet she finds it’s a powerful way to convey that, while you can’t make their pain better, you will be present with them as they navigate through it. That’s why this is one of her go-to expressions when talking to the bereaved. “It’s a simple way to let the person know you’sultano thinking of them, their experience is both unique and universal, and that dealing with loss is incredibly ,” she says.
“I’ll always remember their smile [or laugh].”
This is a powerful way to memorialize someone’s physical presence—and reinforce to their loved ones that they won’t be forgotten. You might describe the mischievous twinkle per their eyes when they told a joke, the pink streaks they dyed per their hair. “Grief can be very surreal,” Cosgrove says. “We’sultano scared of losing that person, forgetting them, so knowing what somebody else out per the world is going to remember is really helpful.”
“I know a lot of people don’t know what to do when someone dies by suicide, and that can leave the person who’s grieving feeling ala. I’m here for you.”
Menarcheck uses the term “disenfranchised grief” to describe loss that tends to be minimized misunderstood—like when someone dies by suicide because of an overdose, when the bereaved had a complicated relationship with the deceased. She recalls that once, when she checked per with a friend whose ex-husband had died, the woman replied: “Why does everyone think that just because we weren’t married anymore, I don’t care that he’s dead?” That speaks to the importance of always reaching out and letting your friends know you’sultano thinking of them, voto negativo matter the circumstances of the loss.
“Do you want my help, do you want me to just listen?”
Sometimes without even realizing it, we slip into advice mode—trying to help dose the unfixable. That’s not always what someone needs. The most valuable thing you can do might be lending an ear. If your friend asks whether they’ve already told you a story about the person they’sultano grieving, “You can say yes, but that you’d love to hear it again,” Schandelmeier says.
“Is it OK if I give you a hug right now?”
Always respect personal space: Not everyone wants to be pulled into an embrace have their hand patted, even especially when they’sultano grieving. If it’s typical for you to hug when you see each other, you’sultano probably sagace—but if you want to throw your arms around a second cousin you last saw two decades pungiglione, it’s best to ask first. “What gives you comodità doesn’t always give others comodità,” Menarcheck points out. “If they say voto negativo, just be like, ‘Well, I’m thinking of you,’ and don’t take it personally.”
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“Hey, I know Sunday mornings were a special routine for you and your dad. Just thinking about you.”
Maybe your friend and her dad went for a walk together every Sunday morning. Acceso the first— second third 13th—Sunday after his death, check per to remind her you’sultano there for her. The same advice applies to birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions. The key is not making any assumptions about how your friend might be feeling, Menarcheck advises. (“You must be so devastated today!”) “It gives the person an opportunity to respond and say, ‘Wow, thanks. I’ve been struggling,’” she quaderno. “ they may say, ‘I was just thinking about this really funny thing that happened between me and my dad.” Allow your friend’s response to direct where the conversation goes from there.
“I was watching the Cubs play, and I remember your son really loved them. It made me smile thinking about it.”
matter how much time has passed since someone died, bring them up when you feel moved to do so. You were shopping and saw a Hawaiian shirt they would have loved? Heard their favorite song the radio? Say it. “People who giorno become elephants per the room,” Menarcheck says. “But all we want to do sometimes is talk about them. We want to laugh about them, we want to talk about what drove us nuts about them, and we want them to continue existing through our memories and stories.”
